Sunday, July 31, 2011

sweep it under the carpet

I am always amazed at peoples ability to sweep their shit under the carpet and carry on. I used to take copious amounts of alcohol and drugs when I was younger to "put on a brave face", and perform my perceived duties in life. Its called people pleasing. Its a behavior that pleases everyone but me. It damages me to a point where I dont know who i am anymore. I become lost. I dont even know what my favourite colour is, what I want to do as a hobby or who I want as my friends.
Coming back to myself has been a long and slow journey. One of the things I have done is the "artists way" 4 times. I also and continue to surround myself with loving and supportive friends. Not the kind that tell me its all someone elses fault, to move, change jobs break up with my partner, and I just need to get some new clothes, makeup and my hair done. Not the kind that help me to maintain the bullshit fronts. The kind that look at what is real, and what is important to me.
When I was a child I always wanted a vegetable garden. Today I have one. I always wanted to be an, I illustrate. Often I have blocks. I have friends who know me and help me. I told mr messyfish that I have filled the two vege beds with seedling and seeds already. He said, next pay lets get some more soil and sleepers. How many more do you want to build? I love that kind of support, because I often dont know how to give it to myself. What I tell myself is "oh thats enough, its a pain, its too messy, its too hard".
I struggle with this in parenting too. If little messyfish wants to paint his entire body with paint at 10:30 at night, I think "oh thats enough, its a pain, its too messy, its too hard". What i want to say is..."here let me get you some more paint, what colours do you want, how does that feel?"
Mr messyfish and I were talking about little messyfish's excellent dancing skills. he thought that we might have a life of dancing ballet etc ahead of us, and that a move to the city might be inevitable. I reminded him that it is a "free" child we are raising. One that is not pressured to perform or do the "right" thing all the time. I put it to him that maybe he wont become the next Baryshnikov...perhaps he will be a body painted fire throwing hippie dancer wowing the ravers in the forests? Whatever he desires. Whatever speaks to his soul. Ensuring that he is free enough to know who he is and trust himself and his decisions.
When he was young I had a discussion with another parent about how we were parenting. He looked at me a little confused and said "surely you are going to break his spirit just a little, so he can fit into society, you dont want him to be wild or out of control?". Funny that thought. No, we are not going to break his spirit even a little bit. No, he is not wild and out of control.


Darcel @The Mahogany Way said...

I was going to ask you if the pictures in our post were yours. I love them. Why in the world would you want to break the spirit of a child? That makes me so sad.

Like you, we want our children to grow up to be whole and free.

Umatji said...

not even a little bit.
and here is to lump free carpets. I am also an ex-pleaser learning how to look after myself better. great post.

KP Nuts said...

I enjoyed your post. My twenties were pretty excessive too although at the time I never considered it to be a response to unhappiness (now I am not so sure!)

On your last point though I really am struggling. I have three children who have never been to school or nursery or anywhere like that and I don't want to break their spirit BUT my middle child is, on occasion, wild and out of control and it is really hard to handle! I'd love your thoughts (or even a good book!)