Monday, February 13, 2012

Vietnam (20) day 17 (13.2.2012)

It was a chill out day. I said no to Little Messyfish eating biscuits and lollies. I just fell victim to to the fear. I was worried about him. As a result he ate some bread and jam. Not the result I was looking for! I was hoping he would eat some of the delicious cheap street food, and stop eating the refined, processed packaged food.

We went for a walk down Biet Thu street. Its a dead end street. We walked slowly at toddlers pace. We saw so much! A box with crickets in it, little birds in lovely handmade wooden bird cages, a staring traveler at Viet Cafe, little dogs and cats. An empty post office, I made enquires at the counter about sending stuff home. Smiling faces, flowers, interesting buildings, colourful gates.

Little messyfish slept alot today too.. I did some art, a gratitude list and some "artists way". I am coming into me again. I have everything I need here. Its cheap and easy and interesting.
I have let go of the "lonely planet" guidelines, Ive let go of being a tourist. I am now living as I would, but in another country. Just as my paternal grandmother, Betty Harvey travelled, where she would find a hotel and stay in the same place for a month and get to know the area. I wont push myself or little messy fish to do things we are not up for.
 Boat trip? pagoda? Highlands Tour? All good, but not essential. Painting, playing watching cartoons, reading drawing, eating, breastfeeding, hugging, talking, storytelling, laughing, giggling. This is what we need!

Damn those sunglasses sellers. They are so damn annoying! This however is a sensitive society. Lots of artists. A polite "no thank you" is all it takes for them to move on and leave me alone. I like that. Its very different from my experiance in India. There I had children begging and hanging onto my arm, and it was near impossibl;e to pry them from my body! In Vienam, its enough to smile and say no thank you, and done, peace on the street. Buy the end of our time in Nha Trang, I rarely got approached. The same sellers had got to know me, and realised that I was not buying, so they didnt approach me anymore.

When I am in Kolkata or Saigon, it is a big distraction for me, my intuition , my truth. I go into survival mode. Hence the terror I feel about the impending travel to those places. It is about the fear of loosing myself, and I dont even know that thats whats happened because I am so busy in survival mode. At the same time, I am drawn to those places. To places full of street life, busy melting pots, seas of humanity. I am drawn to the places where I will be swamped by people and life and colour and movement. I am also very easily overwhelmed. I am learning here, with a toddler, how to take care of myself. A safe hotel, and easy walking to food and a space to play are essential for us at this stage. That we can spend days on end in the hotel if we need, only going out for necessities. Most tourists seem to be in one place for about 3 days, then move on. I have never wanted to do that. I dont want to ever travel that way. I dont find anything satisfying about adding up the number of countries I have been to, and letting you all know. I have been to vietnam, but have not seen Halong bay. I have been to India, but not seen the Taj Mahal. Its like that with me. I like to see how people live, and try to join in, and try to go a little deeper into the culture. I would love to see those places, but not at the expence of missing the experiences I have with people that I have taken the time to get to know.
Today I let go, I let go, let go. I let god help with little messyfish's eating. He is healthy and happy. I let go. I pray we can find something that he likes to eat. He is breast feeding more than ever, so I know he is getting the nutrition he needs. Now to chill out on the balcony, and let him be.
As I ask myself the question I really want to take an all day boat trip to islands and watch monkeys ride bicycles because thats what other tourists are doing? I asked this question on twitter and it feeds through to my facebook status. The people who know me are better able to answer this question than me. NO. I do not. I want to sit on the balcony and enjoy the sea breeze and draw. And thats ok (i think? Its so fucken hard being so insecure and not knowing myself).

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