vietnam (31) day 29 (26.2.2012)

Sunday in the homestay in Hoi An. Just woke up. Feeling depressed. Read some Sandra Dodd. Feeling a bit better. Wondering about the new guests in the homestay. Hope they are not European. I could do a homestay back home. Its a bed and breakfast really. I wonder if it would be viable. insurance, etc etc. I would join all the online booking sites for promotion. Not being attached to the furniture and stuff in the home is what works. A semi commercial kitchen, lots of empty cupboards, locks for doors, spaces for peoples things, not much clutter.

from my journal, drawing little girls whilst pondering my childhood, my motives, my loss of self, my wasted early adulthood

Its so westernised here that it is comforting and easy, but I miss that full on blown away culture shock of India. I wonder if I can get a visa to India from here? Surely I must be able to. I would lighten my load and go from hanoi maybe? Not much to lighten really. Maybe the water clothes, art stuff, bug spray, paper work. If I could find a homestay in Luang Prabang would I do it? Dont know. I love the idea of the commune in India still. I wonder why? Whats attracting me to it? Am I addicted to culture shock? Do I like to make things hard? What am I looking for? oh dear it is such a worry. What am i running from? basically i am just deeply unsatisfied with the way i feel right now I want to feel freedom, do what I want. Be tall, be strong, be happy, be care free. I can do this without going into stress and culture shock. This is recovery. Freeing myself from the self-imposed rules of my childhood. The fear and worry that has become part of me, that prevents me from living my life.

the excellent washing up rack serves as a cupboard too, thus eliminating a whole step of labour and time consuming unnecessary work.

Today I want to ride a bike, walk to town, drink fresh juice, buy toys for little messy fish. Start looking at sending stuff to Australia. Lanterns and T-shirts. Send my journals home. Offload some stuff. I need some pants too. But I dont know what. Something easy and cool to wear. I dont feel like buying anything. I need to think of home and what I would wear. I was thinking traditional Aoi Dao, short tops and I need to try some pants on I guess. I dont want to pay $20 though. I think its too much. Bright clear colours. Heavy strong cotton? No idea, I'm just not clear. I do need a light pair of shorts though so I can wash the ones I'm in. Ok, time to stop writing and go hang with little messy fish.