|from my journal, drawing little girls whilst pondering my childhood, my motives, my loss of self, my wasted early adulthood|
Its so westernised here that it is comforting and easy, but I miss that full on blown away culture shock of India. I wonder if I can get a visa to India from here? Surely I must be able to. I would lighten my load and go from hanoi maybe? Not much to lighten really. Maybe the water clothes, art stuff, bug spray, paper work. If I could find a homestay in Luang Prabang would I do it? Dont know. I love the idea of the commune in India still. I wonder why? Whats attracting me to it? Am I addicted to culture shock? Do I like to make things hard? What am I looking for? oh dear it is such a worry. What am i running from? basically i am just deeply unsatisfied with the way i feel right now I want to feel freedom, do what I want. Be tall, be strong, be happy, be care free. I can do this without going into stress and culture shock. This is recovery. Freeing myself from the self-imposed rules of my childhood. The fear and worry that has become part of me, that prevents me from living my life.
|the excellent washing up rack serves as a cupboard too, thus eliminating a whole step of labour and time consuming unnecessary work.|
Today I want to ride a bike, walk to town, drink fresh juice, buy toys for little messy fish. Start looking at sending stuff to Australia. Lanterns and T-shirts. Send my journals home. Offload some stuff. I need some pants too. But I dont know what. Something easy and cool to wear. I dont feel like buying anything. I need to think of home and what I would wear. I was thinking traditional Aoi Dao, short tops and I need to try some pants on I guess. I dont want to pay $20 though. I think its too much. Bright clear colours. Heavy strong cotton? No idea, I'm just not clear. I do need a light pair of shorts though so I can wash the ones I'm in. Ok, time to stop writing and go hang with little messy fish.