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I sent an email to a parenting forum asking them for help. They all said to go home. I went numb. Why? Was it the truth? The realisation that I have done something really bad, something really wrong. was this a huge mistake? I had not the resilience to understand that simply by living my dreams, by living my life, by being true to me, that it DOES NOT mean that something bad will happen.
I was not fully conscious of the messages in my head that told me, if I was to enjoy my life, doing what I love, then I would be rejected and abandoned, and something bad would happen and I would have to revert back to pleasing those people who rejected me by doing it their way again. I did not fully understand yet, that to go against mainstream, meant that sometimes I would not only be rejected and abandoned, but I would also be aggressively verbaly attacked for being different. That some people would even take it personally, as if I was doing it to them. Sheeeeese! No wonder I had not the courage until now in my life to break free of the life I thought I was "meant" to live, and live the life I wanted to live. And to think that a bleeding head injury on my 3 year old son was the very thing that would catapult me directly to this defect, and that I would be lost inside of it, unable to escape, to get clarity, to get a concept. I would stay in my child and succumb to the fear.
Now for the rationalisation. To quote from my journal " Ive been considering my options. I am Vietnamed out. I hate the crowds and the motorbikes and the noise. I especially hate the bargaining and not being able to get anything I need. And the open shops, so I can't find a way to keep little messyfish in the shop while I look around, inside a safe and contained area."
Then the weather cooled down and I went for a walk with little messy fish (of course!). SO CLOSE down the road (and at the time could not believe I had not utilised this resource more often and earlier) was Dingo Deli. I went on a "bender", and bought pasta, bread, cheese, olives, chocolate and lollies. We went home and ate the lot. I felt so full I was uncomfortable. But I had most definatly fed my feelings and put homesickness to bay momentarily. I had a sleep in the afternoon just so I could digest it all. Then Little messyfish ate too! OMG! he ate muffins, and pasta and cheese sandwiches. Things were looking up again...